by KRIS CANTRELL
Shh. Be vewy vewy quiet.
The Tune Squad’s hunting for a trade partner.
With just under two weeks until the deadline, Player-Coach-GM Michael Jordan continues to shop sixth man Elmer Fudd. Apparently, the organization has had enough of Fudd’s destructive behavior toward starting guards Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny.
Fudd was recently fined $750,000 for shattering a backboard with what looked like some kind of weird trap made of dynamite. Ironically, Fudd was the only one injured in the incident.
“This is the kind of stuff you should see on Cartoon Network, not ESPN,” Jordan commented Wednesday. “And as much as I love rabbit, Bugs give us the best opportunity to win on the court. Not the dinner table.”
Jordan has been pretty straightforward about the situation, going as far as to throw Fudd’s name in the pot during a poker game. The reality though, is that his limited productivity, age, and contract have little trade value. But that didn’t stop us from toying with the trade machine.
Here are a few scenarios we’ve cooked up:
Tune Squad RECEIVES Arnold
Hey Arnold! RECEIVES Elmer Fudd
Not many franchises would trade away their namesake for a role player, but Arnold has been a wreck running the offense. He lacks athleticism, refuses to pass, and illegally wears a hat. Without him, underperforming star Gerald Johanssen could get the touches he needs to perform at a high level. It’s addition by subtraction.
The Tune Squad doesn’t get much in return, but they’re heavy in the backcourt. Jordan can afford to send Arnold to the D-League while giving Tweety Bird more minutes. Bird has a ton of untapped talent and can absolutely fly across the court.
Tune Squad RECEIVES Sam “The Squid” Dullard (and cash considerations)
Rocket Power RECEIVES Elmer Fudd, Wile E. Coyote AND Bill Murray (expiring contract)
Sam "The Squid” Dullard might be one of the league’s most underrated guards. He’s not as naturally gifted as teammates Otto or Twister, but he’s maturing physically and has a high Basketball IQ. His upside and unselfishness should spark the Tune Squad’s second unit while providing a ton of cap relief.
Rocket Power, on the other hand, doesn’t have to worry about cap relief. They’re desperate for bodies. Their squad has a strong core with Twister and Otto, but lack depth and physicality. They’ve even called on out-of-shape big man Tito Makani to take on a significant role, and he’s got a Player Efficiency Rating that could make Kendrick Perkins blush.
A trade for Fudd, Coyote, and Murray solves some significant problems for Rocket Power. It strengthens their rotation while providing flexibility and size. Murray’s well past his prime, but he’s a crafty big man who can still bang around inside. And even if he doesn’t work out, there’s little to no harm. He’s essentially a rental. His expiring contract ensures that Rocket Power can shift gears and potentially land a younger free agent in the summer, like Pepper Ann or Patrick Star. Coyote isn’t just a throw-in either. He’s a legit 3 who has the size to play the 4.
It hurts to break up a big three like Otto, Twister, and The Squid, but Fudd can immediately step in and have an impact. The Rocket Power front office might be hesitant to create another James Harden/OKC situation, but the squad will be better for it in the long run.
Tune Squad RECEIVES Ashley “Spinelli” Funicello
Recess RECEIVES Elmer Fudd
Most people would look at this trade and wonder why either team would trade one problem for another.
There’s a lot of similarities between Spinelli and Fudd. Both are overly aggressive, undersized guards with goofy hats. There’s a difference, though. Spinelli’s addition to the Tune Squad helps Bugs eliminate distractions, while Fudd’s presence on Recess provides a veteran voice in the locker room. Both Spinelli and Fudd could actually solve problems off the court.
Outside of that trade or one of the others above it, I don’t see Fudd moving before the deadline. Fans have tossed out names like Tommy Pickles and Patti Mayonnaise, but what value does Fudd bring back to either franchise? Pickles’s absence would destroy locker room chemistry and Mayonnaise is the glue that holds that squad together.
Other rumors hint at an Animaniac or Powerpuff Girl being traded for Fudd, but I can’t see that happening either. What does that accomplish for the Tune Squad? It’s pretty well established that the Powerpuff Girls and Animaniacs are only successful within a system. Outside of that system, they’re nothing more than wasted space.
Jordan would waive Fudd before taking on an ugly contract.
Kris Cantrell averaged a double-double on his middle school ‘B’ team. Follow him @kmcantrell.