You Can Do It!

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by KRIS CANTRELL

 

Draft a linebacker they said. Defense wins championships they said.

Bobby Boucher’s got a girl, a degree, and momma’s approval. But does he have a spot on your team? If you’re considering drafting him, here’s how you do it:

STEP ONE: Take a look under the hood

This isn’t the wild west, partner. You’re a highly-respected NFL General Manager. The days of “going with your gut” have come, gone, and left you with heartburn. It’s time to watch some film, hire a scout, and talk to the kid. That’s when you should find out two things:

#1: He’s a physical freak. While watching film, you’ll say to yourself, “Wow. This guy can’t be blocked.” You’re right. But you should still be a bit skeptical. Call that scout you hired. He’ll say something like, “This guy’s the real McCoy, and I’m not talking about Colt.” You should laugh. You’re a lame white guy, like me. After a shared giggle, the scout will tell you that Boucher can run a 4.3 40, bench 225 pounds 50 times, and jump 40-inches high. That’s good. He’ll also say that “Bobby’s got a rare mixture of size, strength, and speed.” That’s good too. You should be sold at this point. But watch a little more film. Did you catch that game where he Powerbombed the ball carrier? Check that out. You should be both impressed and frightened at the same time. But that’s just the tip of the high-quality h2o iceberg. He’s heading your way for an interview, and you’re about to learn something else.  

#2: He’s an actual freak, too. Somehow the conversation will get past the fact that he lives with his mom, drives a lawnmower, and has a lisp. You’ll stumble onto the topic of a game where he dropkicked an opposing player after a touchdown. You should be afraid. Very afraid. He’ll attempt to reassure you by telling you about his former coach who taught him to superimpose enemies over his opponents. Now you should be terrified. You’ll look for an exit, and let out an uneasy laugh. And that’s when you’ll start to realize why he isn’t the consensus #1 pick. He makes Richard Sherman look tame.

STEP TWO: Make sure you have a decent quarterback

Do you have a guy who can throw footballs as well or better than Andy Dalton, Carson Palmer, or Joe Flacco? Good. You need one of those.

You might even be able to get away with a guy like Ryan Tannehill. Maybe.

If your team isn’t blessed with a real, live NFL quarterback, refer to a guide on drafting Johnny Manziel or trading for Jay Cutler.

STEP THREE: Throw out some feelers

This is the information age, my friend. Don’t be afraid to send out a tweet that says something like “Totally #random, but would you guys consider drafting a guy like, say, Bobby Boucher? Lol.” You should get a bunch of responses from both ignorant fans and national pundits alike. Embrace the attention. Being an NFL GM is a lot like being a contestant on The Price is Right. If people start screaming and freaking out, you’re probably doing it wrong.

Be sure to text Adam Schefter after that. Say something like, “Gotchya! I was totally joking about that tweet, obvi. We’re actually looking into [Insert Player You’re Not Drafting Here.]” This will cover your tracks and prevent other GM’s from snagging Boucher before you.

STEP FOUR: Don’t be too far from Momma

Bobby Boucher loves his momma. And any team that’s outside of a day’s drive is the devil.

Few know exactly where she lives, but we do know that it’s near SCLSU’s campus in Morgan City, Louisiana. That leaves the following teams within driving distance of her Bayou Bungalow:

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Map date ©2014 Google. Travel time may vary by airboat.

STEP FIVE: Ask for permission

There’s no “I" in football. Or team. Or Bobby Boucher. Be sure to have many, many meetings before doing the deed.

Meet with your owner. Reassure him that what happened to that science professor won’t happen to you. Meet with Vicki Vallencourt. She should be happy to hear that Bobby’s getting away from Momma. Meet with Momma. She cooks a mean gator.

STEP SIX: Call the commish

Call NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell on draft day and say something like “With the [Your #] pick in the NFL Draft, [Your Team] selects Bobby Boucher.” This helps him accurately announce your team’s pick.

Oh yeah, and make sure Roger knows how to pronounce Bobby’s name.

It’s “Boo-shay”. Not “Boo-shur”.


Kris enjoys playing college football video games. Challenge him @kmcantrell.